A New Day, A New Life....

It's a challenge sometimes, when things seem so bleak and lonely and sad, to make a decision.  To decide that you can find the positive when everything seems so negative.  I am so good at being jaded.  It's like my trademark as a person.  My sense of humor is warped and twisted.  I laugh at funerals.  Not because they aren't sad, but because in death, people only remember the good things about the one that has passed, but while they were alive, you can bet that there was plenty people had to say that were negative in regard to the choices that person made.  Ah Life...
I have decided that when I die, I want everyone to stand up and tell the craziest story they remember about me.  I have had plenty.  I like to think of myself as shy...but I'm not.  I love people.  I am entertained by people.  I entertain people.  I imitate people.  You only have to have one little thing that is unique to you and I will pick up on it and roll with it.  It's never mean spirited, it just is what I do.  I love to tell stories and sometimes I tell other people's stories....using their voice.  Watch out, if you have an accent or a particular trademark way of speaking, I will be doing you if you've made me laugh. 
Yesterday was a sad and lonely day for me.  When I am sad, I tend to hibernate.  I want to talk about what is going on but I don't know who I should call because my shit seems such a burden to lay on people.  My therapy is to write.  But there are days when even my writing makes it worse.  As I cried most of the day yesterday, feeling lonely and misunderstood, I went to bed to escape my thoughts.  I woke this morning and looked in the mirror and saw the bags under my eyes that are so much worse when you are 48 then when you were in your 20's and crying.  Not so cute anymore.  Aging is such a betrayal of who we are and how we feel in our hearts.  My dearest friend Meg wrote me four separate messages yesterday of encouragement.  She told me I should quit looking at myself as middle age because I am so young at heart.  She is right.  I love the quote "How old would you be, if you didn't know how old you were?"  That is a good question and one that deserves an answer.  Why, I would be 10.  When my kids were growing up I used to think of 10 as the magic number.  The honeymoon years of childhood.  They were past the 'too much dependency of all of their needs being met by me', they played innocent games, they didn't like the opposite sex much yet, and they still liked me.  Ten is the perfect number to be.  I'm no innocent anymore, but I love to play.  I love to do crazy stuff.  I remember once when my boys were 9 and 10, they sat in the back seat of my suburban with their best friend giggling about something silly.  I asked them what was so funny and they doubled over laughing and told me that my youngest boy had just decided to name his "boys".  What were the names he choose?  Pinky and Lefty.   Why can't people be more silly?  We need to laugh at ourselves and name our body parts more often.    I bought a cruising bike here in Phoenix.  I live downtown so I ride it everywhere I can.  I have a basket on it.  My hair flies behind me, sometimes I wear a skirt or a dress and pretend I'm like the women in Italy that do this.  The bike is magic and lifts my spirits every time I ride it.  A cruiser  bike lets you sit up and look at the people you pass and see all the sights around you.  It is wonderful.  I get told all the time what a great bike it is.  It's pink.  It is me.  It is the young, ten year old girl in me, riding my sting ray to the store to buy candy. 
I love to do the unexpected that makes people laugh.  Once I went to the movie theater with my ex and went to buy popcorn while  he found us a seat.  We always sat in the same area, so I knew where he would be sitting, but I thought as I went in to find him, that it would be really funny to pretend I didn't know where he was, so I shouted out loud in a theater filled with people..."JACK, WHERE ARE YOU?"  You might have had to be there, but trust me, it was funny.  Try it sometime.

So back to decision making.  I have been on anti-depressants for about 8 weeks.  I realized early in the fall, when I spent three solid weeks weeping non-stop that I needed some help.  My daughter was getting married and I needed to make it through that wedding.  I wanted her day to be about her, not about her dad and I.  I went on Prozac, but not without huge hesitation.  I hate the thought of anti-depressants.  I am not a depressed person.  I HAVE been a depressed person this past year.  I couldn't seem to make the simplest decision.  Even at Starbucks...would I have the rich, fattening, caramel machioto or the skinny ice tea?  Too many choices were overwhelming me.   No one could understand why I was so sad.  I was the one that wanted out of the marriage.  I still can't explain it, maybe there is no explanation necessary.  It just was sad.  I finally made the decision to do the anti-depressants and I can't believe how much more clear I feel in my head.  I'm kinda numb, but right now, that is a good thing.  It's supposed to lower your sex drive and although I haven't put that to the test in recent months, that is a good thing for now.  I made a decision this morning, that after the terrible day I had yesterday, that today was going to be different.  And it is.  I took my medicine like a good girl and decided to get out and pound the pavement again today.  I listened to myself and my heart and decided to be happy.

I have been told by my kids that I have changed.  My ex told me he doesn't know me anymore.  I have changed, but  I am the same inside that I have always been,  I am young at heart, but I am wounded from life, as we all are.   I am kinder and less judgmental.  I am fiercely protective of my children and family.  But I made hard decisions this year I wasn't able to make before.  I wasn't sure enough of my strength.  I left my husband a year ago and ventured here alone with no family or friends.  I spent many lonely nights with my only friend:  the bottle of vodka I kept in the freezer.  I smoked like a chimney out of boredom.  I made stupid, dangerous errors in judgment.  I was not myself then.  I spent a year indecisive about my marriage,  hurting the people in my life that mean the most to me.  In time the wounds will heal and hopefully my children will find the grace to forgive me for needing to find my own way, the way that is not 'the old way'.  I've changed, but I'm still the same.  I needed a fresh start.  I found a new life here.  I made friends that know me for me.  Not as a mother or a wife.  As Tam.  As myself.  I have found that I have a lot to offer.  I am older in age, younger in heart.  It is a new day, and a new life....and I am, as John Mayer says, Perfectly lonely for now.