Everybody's Fine...

I hate the winter in the Northwest.  I hate driving in the snow, I hate the gray, bleakness of the sky and the color of the topography.  Yesterday, my last full day on this trip, it snowed ALL DAY.  I made what should have been a two hour trip from north Idaho to here, in three hours.  White knuckled hours.  All I could think about was, tomorrow I'm outta here!  It kept snowing and snowing.  Compiling, drifting.  I felt like I was in that snow all day.  Finally, I was back at my house and settling in for the night.  I'd had my young neighbor boy come over and snow blow a path for me just so I could get the car in the driveway.  I wondered if it was going to be a waste of $50?

This morning I woke early and dared to look outside.  The sun was just coming up over the mountains, it had stopped snowing.  Icicles were hanging from the porch, snow was clinging to the branches on the trees.  It was breath taking...I sit here now writing, looking out the window and see deer running across the field, the sun making the snow glitter.  Perfect day to cross country ski.  Living in the countryside is beautiful after a snowfall.

I've been staying in the house my husband and I own together.  It is for sale.  I want it to sell.  We need it to sell.  The house seems like an empty shell.  The photos are gone, the TV is gone, only the things that neither of us wanted are here now.  It's too quiet.  The memories of laughter echo here, but even they seem gone too. 

My mom told me to rent a movie called "Everybody's fine".  I have a small TV in the bedroom that has a DVR hooked up to it.  Last night I rented the movie.  If you haven't seen it, it's really pretty good.  The premise of the movie is about a dad who lost his wife recently, wants to see his kids, goes to a lot of trouble anticipating their visit and they all cancel at the last minute.  He then decides to set out on a journey across the country and visit each of his kids separately.  Everyone is hiding something from him. Pain.  He learns more about his kids and himself in that journey than all the years spent parenting his children.  I learned a lot about my kids while I was here.  I saw the pain that all of us have been hiding.  Pretending everything was fine. 

I also looked through my kid's scrapbooks last night.  It was bitter sweet.  There once was a time when everything didn't seem so bad.  The photographs prove it.  My youngest girl's photos reminded me of how she is today.  Joyful, purposeful, crazy, silly...she is so much like me.  I said a little prayer for her as I looked through her scrapbook...please God, help her through this life without too much heartbreak. 

I've spent the last week here spending time with family.  Namely, my children.  I quit making excuses for why I left, asked them to forgive me for the past year and a half, hugging them, loving them and talking to them.  It was time well spent.  I baked cookies with my daughter, went through pie making steps 101, (although I  kinda screwed up the pie this time...) went to the movies with my boys, met for coffee with my youngest, had several meals with them all...It felt like a giant step toward healing.  They assured me of their love, their wanting me to be happy and most of all, their support in working towards my dreams.  I leave today, knowing I will be okay.  They will be okay.  Most of the time, we will all be okay. 

I am heading home to Phoenix today.  By the time my plane leaves, the runways will be plowed, I will fly off, leaving my kids to deal with the snow.  The last time I left, I left them to deal with their sadness and heartbreak.    This time I leave only two days before a new year begins.  When I come back in a few weeks, I know that we are one step closer to Spring and two steps forward to healing and moving forward.
  I leave,  ready to be in warmer weather, excited to see my beloved dog, Bob, and knowing that for now, everybody's fine.

Happy New Year everyone...