I haven't wrote in a couple months. I use my writing as therapy, in case no one figured that out. I process my feelings and thoughts through my writing. I spent a winter of discontent trying to heal, find forgiveness for myself and learning to forgive others for what I held against them. I cried a lot. Every time I wrote, I was a blubbering ball of wadded up tissues, red, puffy eyes and a nose so full of snot I couldn't breathe. Pretty. By the time January 1st hit, I was tired of being sad. I put on my big girl panties, and began to heal with it. I was ready to start new and put that damn year of sadness behind. I felt like I'd come so far. I thought I had arrived. And I really have. I am happier, I have loads of friends, I am busy, I am working, (albeit part time) I am doing well, I am doing really good. Then I started dating. A sure way to put things in perspective.
The trouble with starting to date when you think you might be ready, is... you don't know you aren't, until you start. Putting 28 years of marriage behind you, is not easy. I carry more baggage than I was wiling to admit. I have a huge fear of commitment. A fear of making another mistake. I have a longing to make a connection and break the pattern of repeating what feels normal. The trouble is, what feels normal, I know is not healthy for me, but the pattern is there. Embedded deep. My brother said it best to me this past week. He said, 'You want to believe that every small connection you (I) make, instantly goes to my head of potential boyfriend material.' It's true. I immediately want to jump from A to L . That is, until the second date, if there is one.
I understand why my mother made such a quick decision to remarry. Let me put out the disclaimer at this point, that I have no desire at this time to remarry, let alone, anyone in the wings that I'm contemplating. I just understand why she did. The desire and longing to have companionship and consistency in one's life is huge. The waiting, the need to move forward, the feeling of "time running out" on you, the impatience and feeling of limbo is frustrating. The loneliness. The worst part, is I'm not even divorced yet and that alone, is a strike against you in the frustration of wanting to move on.
I understand now, why my friend Kate (and just about everyone else) keeps saying to me, 'you're not ready for a relationship'. They are right. If, statistics and studies are correct, it takes about two years to really move on from a divorce. Two years from separation? Two years from filing? Two years from final papers? Two years from what? Am I just practice dating at this point?
In order to get myself out there to practice, meet new people, be exposed to new people, I gave online dating a whirl. I knew lots of people who were doing it, so, I thought, what the hell? It's worth a try.
I've had hundreds of offers to go on dates. The sorting and answering the email alone, is like a full time job. It can be addicting at first. Then, at some point, tiring. In the two months since I joined this online dating service, I've gone on lots of dates. Lots of first dates. Only two second dates, and one third date. It's like picking up a stone and flinging it back into the water. And so far, not one has really given me pause to think..."aha....he could be it..." Not one. At least not after the first date. The funny part, is how very hopeful I still am.
I have met a few nice guys. The date can be going really well...I think. I'm analyzing their words. I'm studying their face, trying to imagine if I could see myself with them. Because I'm trying to break old patterns of what I'm attracted to, I look for clues as they speak. If I'm not physically attracted to them immediately, I do a little self-talking. "He may not be your "type" physically, Tam, but, could you grow to love someone like him"? Could it be one of those situations, where a person grows on me? All of this on a first date. Instead of enjoying the person and the evening, I'm looking for the flaws. This is why, I think it takes at least two years to move on and be ready, you don't know yet.
This dating stuff can steal your soul. I feel like mine is being slowly drained from my body with every date I've gone on. I'm lucky. I am a sought-after date in the world of online dating. Lucky in the way that I have lots of choices. Unlucky in the way that, I have too many choices. I've had weeks where I literally had a date almost every night of the week with different men. You may have a date that went fairly well, but you're thinking, "Well, he's nice, but, maybe the guy tomorrow night will be better". Maybe, but the flaw in this type of serial dating is: A) I'm not getting married after a first date, so why not give this guy a chance if there is potential for friendship? And, B) I have this horrible little quirk of mixing up their names and the facts they've shared with me on the phone. Oops! My bad.
On a first date, you ask the same questions of each other. Only to repeat the same answers on the next first date. Every date is a lesson in what you're not looking for. Every first date has the potential to be wonderful, and before every first date, I am excited. I am hopeful. I am not jaded. I am bright with excitement and I glow with anticipation. Then you sit down across from them and you know right away, uh...no. Sometimes it's just a feeling, other times it's zeroing in on a physical flaw...like their face seems too long, or a weird mole on their face, or a mustache...(Ugh, I threw up in my mouth just a little...) But usually, it's something they say. One date actually revealed that he had intimacy issues. On a first date! Another told me he had trouble controlling his anger. Geez....let me think about that one...A man that has never been married sends red flags. No kids? Probably selfish. Too many baby mamas? (Yes, I said "baby mamas) Too many exes.. Danger Will Rogers! Danger!!
Sometimes, the date goes alright and I think, "Hmmm, should I give it another try? " Bringing up sexual intimacy on the first date? Automatic elimination. If a man tells me how 'beautiful, special and unique' I am, over and over again...I am annoyed. I got it. Is there anything else we can talk about, besides my amazing beauty? Seriously. If a date talks continually about himself and never asks me any questions, I am soooo not having a second date. I actually asked one of those, if he had anything he wanted to ask me? His response was "Nah, I already know everything about you". Same guy actually asked me if I would write him a report and let him know in an email how I felt about the date. GAWD! I feel like I've heard it all and I've barely gotten started. Kate said to me last week as we walked the dogs, "If you're feeling this way, imagine how I feel, I've been doing this my whole life..." Soul stealing.
And things have changed in the world of dating these days. You would think if you date within your own age parameters, especially if they were over the age of fifty, that a man would begin to evolve, learn from his previous relationships. That The game would be unnecessary. Oh no...that is the same. I don't know what's worse really, the guy that likes the game, or the guy that wants a commitment right out of the gate. Isn't there a happy medium? There are textbooks written about The game. The rules. The do's and don'ts. The secrets to landing your perfect man. Puhlease. It's a crapshoot at best.
I honestly believe, it's not about landing a man, it's about, what you can do to make it last if you find him. If dating has done anything for me, it's shown me how very different men and women really think. Coming out of a long term marriage, I have some very strict, non-negotiables. One of them being, that, right now, as in, right now, I don't care how hard I fall in love with someone and vice versa...there is no way I'm sharing my space or giving up my space. I fought too hard for it, and I'm not ready to give it up. I don't care how lonely I am. The man I give my heart to, will get that and work to earn my trust and know he doesn't need to control me or live with me to have my heart. Then maybe, I will be ready to do that again someday.
And speaking of control, one of the patterns I recognize I have to break, is allowing myself to be controlled. I'm not talking about control in the sense of financial or telling me what to do. I'm talking about the more subtle ways of control. Emotional control. Passive aggressive control. These are the most dangerous types of men. It's hard to detect at first. My problem in the past, was always the fear of saying my truth, and worrying about the wrath to follow. The consequences of being honest. The silent treatment. The "No, I'm not mad, because you said that, but I'm going to treat you like shit for 5 days as punishment..." That kind of control is the kind I live in fear of repeating. Therefore, if I think I get even a small whiff of it on a first date...I run like hell. But the sad part of that, is I'm so afraid of it, so afraid I can't stand up to it yet, that I avoid a second date, just in case I am right. But, I might not be right. But then again, maybe I am. See... not ready for relationship yet.
I don't want to bring the baggage of my past, to my next relationship. I used to think of people's baggage in the form of children. Baggage comes in many shapes and sizes. Obviously, 28 years of marriage has had an impact. It's not fair to my next relationship to simply expect that he will be like the man I was married to for so long. He needs to have a clean slate. This is the work I must do, in order to be ready. I must think like a virgin.
Almost every date I've gone on, the subject of relationship comes up. In my limited experience of dating, I find it interesting that the men want to pin you down for that second date. Second date is one more date closer to sex. They aren't sure how many dates it will take, but they know how the online dating thing works. They know I have options, and they are anxious to close the deal. I'm already on to that. It doesn't work. I've gotten too strong and confident to let flattery go to my head. Remember, I understand "why" my mom married too quickly, doesn't mean I will follow in her footsteps. I may be new and a bit naive in the dating world, but I'm getting savvy, and I'm not anxious to repeat the mistakes of my past or my parent's.
And, I realize, I have just gotten started. I know I'm not divorced yet. I know the two year point of any marker has not yet passed. I also know that even If, all of a sudden, HE walked into my life, AND I recognized him to be The One, I could not, would not, even contemplate remarriage for several years.
If he loves me on the terms I have to have, if he understands the scars that have formed over my wounds and shaped the topography of my thoughts and heart, if he wants the same things and all things are like synchronicity, then...he will wait. He will know, that he already has me. I can wait for that one. I will wait. In the meantime....another frog down.
I could go with this subject for hours. I have been cataloging my "adventures". It's worth writing about. It's worth the laugh. I think my next blog might be part two. Stay tuned. In the meantime, I commence forth, weeding out the Mr. Wrong's, looking for Mr. I Can't Live Without, and maybe finding happiness with Mr. Wonderful Most of the Time.
It's good to be back and writing again. I got my mojo back, I just needed something to bitch about I guess.
