Now is a Better Place to Be Than Then...

I feel as if I'm on a sabbatical.  I've been learning about gratitude and the art of being okay with being alone.  Two totally different subjects, but in the time I've spent here alone, I've felt so grateful.  Grateful for my physical health, that is beginning to return, for my mental health, my sense of humor and ability to laugh at my ridiculousness, my fortunate life, my children and of course, my amazing friendships.   Excuse me while I mush a bit.  This sabbatical has made me sentimental.  

So many of my friends are cheerleaders.  They stand beside me, they encourage, they never let me feel like a loser.  I'm so grateful for these friendships. I have to give Facebook a lot of credit.  In the last two years, Facebook became a gateway to reconnecting my past with the present.  The re-connections I've made have blessed me in so many ways.  A friend who has lived in Japan for 25 years+ has been a lifeline.  Facebook gave her to me. 

I recently hosted a few old high school chums at my "treehouse" getaway.  We spent hours on the dock, sitting on the deck, drinking wine, dining on delicious food and getting to know each other as adults.  We weren't friends in high school.  We knew each other, but ran in completely different circles.   These girls, were considered part of the "popular kids".  I'm still not sure where I fit into all of that, but I know I wasn't considered part of the "elite" crowd.  There is a line from "The Jane Austin Book Club" that says..."high school is never over..."  It's true, but yet,  it isn't.  I still look at these women as  "girls".  I feel like a young girl when I am with them.  They don't seem any older to me...just wiser, more seasoned with compassion.   I am delighted they like me.  I know this sounds strange.

I'm not sure how or why the anarchy of high school royalty is formed, but it is real.  Ask any one who wasn't a part of it.  We go back to our reunions (or we don't) to either prove something or to say "screw 'em...I never want to go back".  However, my experience in HS wasn't terrible.  It wasn't without it's traumas and dramas, but generally, it was okay.  Not spectacular, and I guess that is a good thing, as I would hate to have had that be the best years of my life and want to relive them over and over.  But the feelings associated with HS return with every reunion I've attended.  What I've discovered as an adult is, that except for that evening of the reunion, it doesn't matter anymore.  We all made our own lives and we are either happy with the outcome or we aren't.  And...we accept what life has become for us.

The interesting part is we all lived a life.  After 30 years, there are marriages, children, divorces, deaths,  grandchildren...in some way shape or form, life made us the people we've become.  Unless we are in complete denial, most of us became real.  We are no longer trying to fit in or trying to impress anyone.  Having just left a long term marriage and trying to look like I had the perfect life, the surprise of reacquainting myself with these women from my past,  who weren't really a part of my adult life until now, it feels good to be myself with women that knew me in my youth. It feels good to be with women who knew me alone and not as part of a couple. They remember 'me'.

The three of us took a walk along the dirt road behind the treehouse the other day and talked about these feelings of reconnection.  For the two of them, it's probably not such a big deal, because they were always friends from way back when.  But for me,  it's affirming.  It's hard to describe.  I grew up in this area.  I've been a fixture here my entire life. Our parents knew each other, we know so many of the same people.  You make a mistake here and trust me, people know it.  Does our history connect us and put us under the scrutiny of judgment?  Or does it connect us and give us grace?  In the case of these women, it gave me grace.  I have made friends with old friends.  Although we can laugh about our HS days and memories, it doesn't define who we are anymore.  I feel blessed to call these women my friends.

I revisit a lot of the same topics sometimes, and I know I've shared a backhanded compliment someone gave me years ago.  I still love it and I still use it.  The person said to me, "You're not as shallow as I thought"...I love that.  I got a text yesterday from one of these women I spent the weekend with.  She said, "You are so down to earth".  I'm sure my parents would disagree as maybe would some other family members, but, I was so blessed by those words.  I still dream big, I still want great things, I still believe in lasting love...I don't think that makes me NOT down to earth, I think it makes me hopeful.  Thank you for those words...it made my whole day. (You know who you are...) :-)

I've made many acquaintances over my lifetime.  I've had people come and go, and  I rarely meet someone I don't like.  I'm open, (probably too open) and  I'm more real today, than I've ever been.  I'm learning to be the most true,  authentic self  I've ever been.  Many of the friends I've kept close to me, I've known for 20+ years.  When we've lost touch and reconnected,  we've been able to pick up where we left off, as if no time has passed at all.  These people are like precious gems.  If you are still in my life, it's because you are so very valuable to me.  Facebook brought many wonderful people both into my life and back into my life.  My new, old girlfriends?  We grew up.  We are wives, mamas, grandmas...we are women connected because of our past, bonded by life and because we are women that know how to love, nurture, feed each other and be cheerleaders... 
 The days of high school ARE over...and now is a better place to be, than then...

Decisions...Decisions....

It has been almost a year since I decided that my marriage was over.  I spent a year previous to that decision trying to decide... in pain, riddled with guilt and trying to make a decision.  It was a year that I feel was wasted.  Or was it?  I've asked myself a million times if I could have saved myself and others close to me, the terrible toll of the pain and anguish?  Would things be any different if I had just walked away without that terrible year of indecision?  The price was huge.  Was the outcome already decided, but I didn't have the strength to end it?  I wasn't brave enough to pull the trigger two years ago.  I wasn't strong enough.  Did I spend that year trying to get everyone used to the idea?  Had I already made that decision?  I still don't have the answer to that question.  I know that once I made peace with the possible consequences, I still wasn't prepared for the fallout.

And now, here I am, almost a year later, spending six weeks in the area I grew up in, finally facing  the reality of what I left my children and their dad to deal with.  I am ashamed of my actions, ashamed at how afraid I was to face the people that thought they were my friends.  I've been defensive and angry, hurt and tormented by my own guilt.  I was my own worst enemy.  But in this year,  I've learned to be kinder to myself.  And... although forgiveness is harder, forgiving myself for my choices.

I have made phone calls and dates to purposely deal with what I left behind.  This is a small town.  People talk.  I'm not puffed up with so much self-importance that I think I was the topic of too many conversations, but those who heard the rumors of my impending divorce, talked.  It's a pride thing.  I didn't want to defend my actions.  I was embarrassed.  I was so committed to the lie of the "perfect family" that I didn't want to admit that not only did I fail, but that I had been failing for years.  I had been perpetuating a myth out of my own insecurities. 

And, I've had so many firsts.  So many hard firsts.  First Christmas, first Easter, first Mother's Day, first flat tire, first date...everything was a first.  And I've had so many lessons.  Not just in humility but in friendships and navigating the world alone.  I've been sick twice this year.  Twice.  The woman who was supermom, super woman, super human...run down and sick.  I was rarely sick before I left my marriage.  This last one, took me down.  I don't recall ever feeling quite so alone in the world.

I miss the feeling of security, and I don't mean financial security.  I mean the security of feeling safe.  I used to tell my kids, that no matter how harsh the world treated them;  their refuge, their safety, was family...it was home.  I ran from my refuge and I don't know where it is anymore.  Leaving the safety net was hard.  I never feel sure-footed, I question every decision, because for the first time ever, I am making every decision alone.  I ask myself a lot, what would I do if something happened to my parents?  Who would be my emotional support system?  Who would care?  When I was so ill a couple weeks ago, I felt like I had no one to call in the middle of the night.  It wasn't true, but it felt that way.

I made a decision to rent a cabin on the lake I grew up on.  Far enough away from my mother's place to feel independent, but close enough to meet her for lunch in town.  Not too remote, although internet and cell service are non-existent. (Thank God for the next door neighbor's wi-fi that I am now able to pirate)  Across the lake from me is a tiny grocery store, bar and grill.  I call this place my tree house.   There are about 75 steps down to the lake.  My lungs are still screaming every time I climb back to the cabin, as I am still sick.  But, I feel myself healing.  In the few days I have spent here alone, I am feeling peaceful.  I fall asleep to the sound of crickets and water lapping on the shore.  I wake to birds chirping and a view of the still water.  I sleep like a stone. The one bar bar of cell service I get, allows me to text, but not have a phone conversation.  I spend about an hour on the water in the morning in a kayak, walk my dog several times a day and read.  So far, my hardest decision has been whether to drink another cup of coffee in the morning.  I brought along several books.  Two mindless fictions and three self-help books about finding courage, finding love and the study of body language.  I get bored easily by the psycho-babble but it gives me lots of food for thought. And I am quiet. 

I've spent years feeling lost and wanting things to be different.  I spent a year trying to figure out what I wanted to do but not knowing how to do it.  I spent the next year confused, sad, depressed and mostly alone.  I am spending this next year preparing for the next portion of my life. I am learning who I am without someone else to give me my identity.  My tree house getaway is helping me.  It was a good decision to be here and one I made by myself. I am relishing the quiet of my heart, and learning to listen and trust myself.  I am beginning to make decisions without agonizing over every  one.  I listen to the words of others, but ultimately, it is me making the decision that is best for me.  I give myself good advice mostly, but I still can't figure out if I need that next cup of coffee...