Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda....

Last summer I had a friend tell me to quit using the word "should".  Instead, substitute the word "could".  In example:  "You know what you 'could' do?  Instead of, "You know what you 'should' do?  Makes sense.   It's the difference between telling someone what to do or letting them decide for themselves.  Funny how one word can change the context. 

I remember an old Tootsie Pop commercial with an owl.  Someone brings him a tootsie pop and asks the wise old owl, 'how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?'  The wise old owl unwraps the pop, takes three licks, bites into it and says "The world may never know..."

I spent many years doing what others thought I should be doing.  I never thought about what I could do.   If I would of done something because I could instead of what I should, there might have been a different outcome.   I looked at my life as being one dimensional.  In my mind, I had one choice.  I've spent a lot of time lately pondering this choice.  I was a stay-at-home mom.  My job was to raise my kids, keep the house clean, grocery shop, do laundry, make lunches, drive kids to their various activities...it was a full time job with four kids.  It was a job I took seriously.  I loved it.  I hated it.  Whenever I would get around my girlfriends that had chosen college over domesticity, I would feel inadequate. Silly.  Dumb.  Dowdy.  Schlumpy...

I made the right choice in terms of raising kids.  I had these four kids, what was I going to do with them?  Throw them in daycare for someone else to raise while I took a job ringing groceries for minimum wage?  I had no education, what was I qualified to do except be a mother?  The problem was, I wasn't qualified to be a mother either.  That was OJT.   Like it or not, I had four little people dependent upon me to meet their needs.  This was a haveta. 

The early years were the hardest.  So I thought.  All physical needs met by me.  In reality, that was easy.  Once they became teenagers, it was a whole other ballgame.    Rather than go into detail about how difficult it was to raise teenagers, I concentrate instead on what I could have done differently.  Hindsight is 20/20.

Once all of my kids seemed to be settled into school and a couple started driving, I began to think about school again.  I had kind of thought writing would always be there, so instead of University, I chose Technical.  I had four kids that needed haircuts on a regular basis so it seemed logical to go to beauty school.  It also seemed like it was a glamorous job; cute clothes, cute hair, social...It was so far from glamorous.

Believe it or not, beauty school was tough.  Especially having two teenagers and two 'tweens to worry about outside of school.  I had the drive to be perfect.  Perfect home, perfect family, perfect student.  I was competitive in school.  Not just in how well I cut hair, but what grades I received.  I had test anxiety every night before an exam and would dream I missed the test.  My test grades and "school projects" were the highest in my class.  I was not going to be a beauty school dropout.  The only class I struggled in was,  believe it or not...First Aid.  I don't do blood.  I could barely  stomach that class and found myself fighting nausea and gagging through most of that quarter.

I made it through Beauty School, went to work for someone for six weeks.  I hated it.  I jumped ship and moved to a new salon where I rented a station for almost a year.  Fortune smiled on me when one of the girls I worked with, moved out of state, basically handing me her entire clientele.  I kept most of that clientele for 10 years.  After a year at this salon, I opened my own.  It was small, it was manageable.  I was still writing, but mostly in journals, a few essays and one annual Christmas letter.  I had quite the following with that letter.  The encouragement I received every year was what kept my dream of being a writer alive.  

The kids got older, life became more complicated and busier.  I kept working and eventually expanding my business.  Three years ago, I wanted out of the beauty industry.  There were parts that were wonderful and fun, but running a business and dealing with employees;  several who were my own kids' age,  was a nightmare.  I felt like I was doing the parent thing 24/7.  At home, at work...settling disputes, trying to make everyone happy.  I coulda done it differently.  Instead, I just gave up and didn't want to be there.

I look back over my life and can think of hundreds of incidents, time frames, days... that I could have done things differently.  I could have kept my part time shop and clientele with just me and my clients.  It sure would have been easier.  I could have just as easily gone to University instead of beauty school.  Sure, it would have kept me in school two more years and been more of a financial burden on us, but I could have figured it out somehow.  If I'd wanted to.  I could have held my ground as a woman to be reckoned with when my husband refused counseling.  I could have left then, made a stand.  Maybe he would have fought as hard as he did the past year if I had. 

I could have done a lot differently.  Instead, I did what I should.   There was  pressure to doing what others thought I should.  Different words, different outcomes.  I blamed everyone else for the outcome of what I thought shoulda been my life instead of looking inwardly at what I coulda done with my life. So again I ponder... 

I used to say to clients, I wish I done the order differently, but still ended up here.  I still feel that way.  Not the divorce part but the other stuff.  I know I didn't do everything wrong.  In fact, I did a lot right.  I raised my kids to be kind, courteous, grateful, (most of the time) hardworking, honest, responsible.  I worked at the things that mattered, that matter.  I can't take credit for all of it, but I can take credit for some of it.  A lot of it.

I'm waiting to hear from the university I applied to for the fall semester.  I'm finally going to work toward the degree I always wanted.   I'm finally trying to pursue my dreams of being a published writer.  I'm finally trying to figure out who I am if I'm not a mother or a wife.  I coulda done this years ago.


I'm trying to forgive myself for doing the shoulda's instead of the coulda's.  I'm releasing others from the undeserved blame, and realizing that things probably woulda turned out differently if I'd had my friend tell me the difference between those words back then, but then again...."The world may never know"...