I had a great weekend. Not too alcohol soaked, but truly a great weekend. Surrounded by friends. Feeling loved. Feeling supported. I had so many conversations that made me think...ponder my decisions.
Yesterday I went to a wonderful holiday potluck brunch at my friend Kate's house. Kate's house is unlike any other place I've spent time. There is a feel to her house. It's not luxurious, but it's homey. Comforting. It's big and laid out very uniquely. It's old, with wood floors that creak.
The woodwork is extensive throughout the house. Her dining room is a gathering place for her large family and friends. One wall of the dining room is lined with a long, narrow, built-in sideboard, with shelves and cabinets for china underneath and windows above that face the street. Yesterday it was filled with amazing breakfast delicacies...homemade green chile verde salsa, fluffy eggs, bacon, sausage, quiches, fruit, pastries and an amazing dish called bread pandu, (which was to die for).
She had two large farm tables set in the middle of the room, where we all could sit together. It was a small, intimate gathering of about 15 of us. It felt like scene from a movie. We sat sipping mimosas and chocolate wine on a beautiful Sunday morning, eating all that wonderful food and enjoying the company. Casual and warm.
Kate's kitchen is room where you can envision a night sipping wine and cooking with friends. There are two entrances to the kitchen from the dining room. On one end is a swinging door, the other an open doorway. Kate loves to cook, so the kitchen is outfitted with a great gas stove top and other new appliances. The kitchen is as comforting as her dining room. There is a feeling in Kate's house that feels peaceful. It embodies family, comfort and love. It is what I see in Kate. Her home feels secure. Her home feels safe. My mom arrived today. I wanted her to meet Kate. I wanted her to feel the comfort, the safety, in Kate's home. I knew she would love her.
I know the purpose of my mom coming to Phoenix. I knew she wanted to see where I lived, meet the people I was hanging around with, and reassure herself, that I was okay. As a mother myself, I understood it, and I wanted her to know I was okay. That I was safe. I am so grateful to have that kind of love. I am so grateful, that at this most sad, lonely portion of my life, that my mom, my mama...is here to help me and love me through it.
All of my life, I have felt separated from my mom. I never understood, nor did I want to understand my mom. The past year and a half, I needed my mom. She would probably tell you that she never felt needed by me. There is something about being a mother that wants...needs, to be needed. At this point in my life, I ache from the thought that I never made my mom feel needed. I have been sad. Lonely. I mask my loneliness with humor. It was the only defense I knew. If I laughed, I wasn't sad. My mother...she tells me tonight, that when she listens to me speak, talking through my tears, that she is looking at a reflection, at a mirror...looking back at herself.
I've never been a needy person...outwardly. I always, mostly, put on a brave face and forge through. I never had the time, nor the luxury of allowing myself to let down my guard. I was on, all the time. When I did let down my guard, I was embarrassed and ashamed to show my tears and weaknesses. I put on a brave face in front of my kids when I was hurting. I never wanted them to feel the burden of my pain. I wasn't always successful at hiding it, but I tried. I still do...put on the face that shields them from my grief.
This post has taken me three day to write. I have been spending quality time with my mom. Letting her take care of me. Letting her be needed. Letting down my guard and being mothered. My heart has been held. My boo boos have been kissed. Like Kate's house, it has been comforting.
Now after spending three days being comforted by my mom, I have to fly home for ten days and try to mend fences with my kids. It's time to stop running and allow them to see their mom's heart. I want to go home, get through Christmas and take care of my babies. They need to be comforted, allowed to cry, and have their boo boos kissed. They need to know that their mom is not infallible, she is merely human. Life is full of experiences that give you grace...later. Although my mom would never have wished for me to go through a divorce like her, I am. And she was there for me lean on. She never said..."See? I was just her little girl that needed her mama when everything fell apart.
Not all will understand, not all will forgive me. But, I know in time, that my kids will find grace. As much as we want to believe life will be good to us, it touches us all, in profound ways that change us. I will be forgiven...by the ones that matter. Love never fails.
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