Cleaning out Closets....

The last really shitty year I had was 1993;  2010 was a close second.  It was definitely, not, my year.  This year is already different.  I can feel it.  I made just three resolutions for myself.  They are very personal, and will be challenging to achieve.  But I am determined to make these changes in myself...And no, it has nothing to do with diet and exercise. 

I've always had a visual picture of what the new year looks like.  I picture it as a horseshoe lying horizontally, sideways, rather than inverted.   Half of a racetrack, so to speak.  A beginning and an end.  When Fall hits, I've rounded the curve... moving to the finish.   Some years are better than others.  This past year just sucked.  I had so many obstacles to overcome, I thought I'd never get to New Year's Eve.  At one particularly low point in September, I was so worn out from fighting, that I almost gave up my dreams.  Settling.  It might have been easier.

I have written before how I was searching for answers.  Asking myself hard questions.  Consulting Life coaches, counselors, psychics, vedic astrologers, fortune cookies...anything, anyone...to tell me what to do.  Turns out, I knew the decision I was going to make all along.  I just took a long time to finally do it.  Hurt a lot of people in the process.  Now I am cleaning out, tearing down, starting fresh, and re-building.  Starting with a solid foundation.  An old house remodel... But first, you have to clean...

 Why is it when we are young, we accumulate so much stuff?   House wares, CD's, throw pillows, clothes, shoes... Then as we have kids, we accumulate their stuff; stuffed animals, toys, dance pictures.  I spent the last two years cleaning out my house.  Cleaning out closets.  I found things I haven't seen in over 10 years.  As I sifted through the years of my life, sorting through old ski clothes, Halloween costumes, Christmas decorations, crafts I had abandoned years ago, I had to ask myself "Why did I hang on to this so long?" The things from the house I brought with me to Phoenix were mostly sentimental.  I had one storage container shipped here.  I was walking away from the stuff I accumulated over 28 years.  I no longer wanted to clutter my life with meaningless articles of a life I was through with.  I took photographs from the walls.  Photo albums.  Books I loved.
I am determined to move forward with my life.  I look at what is happening within me, I think of it like cleaning out a closet.  Everything is the messiest when you've taken everything out, trying to figure out what to do with the junk.  There is always a 'give away' pile, a 'throw away' pile and a 'put away' pile. 

As I surveyed the things around me, things that were once such a huge, and seemingly important part of my life;  had now been relegated to being stuffed in a closet, it was hard to decide what to do with these things.

The things I threw away were stupid things like; eliminating the artificial nails, the self tanner, the amount of jewelry I wore, less makeup, the money I spent on clothes and outward appearances.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still high maintenance, I just think more about the "what is the point" part.  Less became more.

Deciding on the things I gave away were more important. Harder to decide if they were valuable enough to keep or things others may like and can use.  Things that meant something to me once.  Things I had to think about a little harder....things like... my lifestyle, my house, my career, my business, my education, my writing, my dreams, my marriage...

Cleaning out that closet was a huge job.  Waaay bigger than I was prepared to take on.  There was so much stuff in that closet.  I was at a loss to figure out which things were important to keep, just in case I might need them, and the things that were completely useless...things that make you wonder why you needed them in the first place.

It took me almost two years to finish cleaning.  The hardest part was deciding what to put away.   Once you gather up the garbage of the throw away pile, it's a little less clutter on the floor.  You look around you and things are starting to have some order.  But you circle around for a while, asking yourself, "When was the last time I used this? Or, will I need this again?  Is it valuable enough to keep...?"

Taking on the new year feels fresh.  Exciting.  Different.  My horoscope actually says it is not a good year for the Ox, but then I don't know if I buy that.  I don't want to jinx it by saying "How bad could it be compared to last year?"  But then, with all of the cleaning I'm doing internally, I realized last night, I still have a lot of shit on the floor.  Lots more to sift through and make decisions based on the importance these things are to me, almost everything in the closet is of no importance.  If it was, why was it in the closet?

Every day is like an epiphany of sorts.  Every new experience is teaching me what is important, and what is not.  Things I can live with, and things I don't want or need.  So many of my conversations I used to have contained the words; "I want, I need"....I want, I want, I want, I need, I need, I need....I am really  finding out that most of the stuff... I don't need.  And I certainly don't want it anymore. 

I keep trying to fast track everything.  I'm so anxious to get there.  I want to finish cleaning so I can do things I enjoy instead of cleaning out closets.  I have a responsibility to finish the job, or else everything is still that mess on the floor.  Cleaning out closets takes time.  They didn't get stuffed full of shit overnight...they require thought as to what gets tossed and what is kept.  I'm determined to get through 28 years of accumulated "things" that have kept my closets so messy.  I used to tell people all the time, 'outwardly, my house is clean, but open up a closet and I might die from all the crap that can fall on my head.' 


 The one the thing I know I really want again, is love.  Even commitment.  Just not quite yet.  I can't put new things in the closet again.  The new things I put into my life will be useful, mean something, displayed for others to enjoy,  desire for themselves. Romantic love, the next time around for me, will be intentional.  Not a responsibility.  I will decide to love and cherish someone because it is healthy.  Respectful.  Mutually satisfying.  Love that makes you smile and gush because you feel so lucky, and not just the beginning stages...mature, intentional love.  I believe it exists.  I want it.  I need it. But, for now, I will settle for great friends, a community of love, and wait until I stumble upon that "perfect treasure" that can be openly displayed in front of my home.  The treasure that you never have to deliberate it's value in your life...because you already know it,  keeping it front and center, polished and shiny. 

 I'm not going to let 28 years of "stuff" accumulate again.  If I start to fall back into shoving things out of the way, trying to hide them from view, I'm hoping it doesn't take a bunch of meaningless 'things' falling on my head to force me into facing the reality that there is no room left to store the shit.  Right now, it's a constant sifting.  These things take time, you know.  But, hopefully, in the future, it's just an annual Spring Cleaning.