Reinventing Myself....

Two days ago, I got some fantastic news.  I was accepted for admittance to ASU for my undergrad.  I was accepted to the English program, but my heart is to major in either Linguistics or Journalism.  Either way...I'm going to college!

It actually surprised me that I got in.  I wasn't the best student in high school.  I was smart, but lazy.  I put forth enough effort to get by and graduate, get accepted to college but, never actually going.  My granddad told me if I didn't go then, I would probably never go.  He was almost right.  Luckily for me, when I went to beauty school as an older adult, I went to a community college and earned a technical degree.  It wasn't rocket science, but it was an established GPA, AND I made the Dean's List every quarter.  Ha!  Who would have thought my competitive nature of getting better grades than all those young girls would be what cinched my acceptance into the four year university I was dying to get into?  Best of all, my plan is to actually enter the Cronkite School of Journalism.  One of the most prestigious in the country.  I can do it.  I know it.

I've been giving a lot of thought to this blog entry.  I knew I wanted to eventually write about what it means to be of a certain age and starting over.  Not just emotionally, but geographically, career, life....I feel like everywhere I turn, it's like I'm seeing my life the way it is supposed to be.  I feel people I meet, are seeing things in me I could never see before.  Telling me things I never believed about myself. 

When I began really thinking about leaving my marriage and starting over, I was really, really scared to pull the plug.  Everything I ever believed, everything I ever knew, all the comfort of a luxurious lifestyle, everything seemed too risky.  I quit riding roller coasters years ago, because I was afraid.  I quit waterskiing for a while because I thought I was getting too old.  In my thirties!  

I had a conversation last night with a new acquaintance going through a lot of the same things I am.  He is reading my blog.  He knows who he is, and for the sake of anonymity, we'll call him Calvin.  Our discussion was about why a person leaves a long term marriage.  Why not just go with the status quo?  Why leave now?

My friend Meg in Japan asked me to think about where this blog was going and how I sometimes get little "digs" in about my marriage.  I wondered if I sounded bitter?  She didn't say so, but gave me some suggestions to think about.  The divorce is still on going, it is not friendly but I wouldn't say it's "The War of the Roses" either.  If I sound bitter, it is not my intention.  The more I blog, the farther I get away from the marriage and the anger, the more I realize, leaving my husband was about me, not him.

I got an email from an aunt yesterday.  She gave me good news about my cousin and at the end, told me she had been thinking a lot about what I'm going through and was hoping I was okay.  I'm sooo okay.  I'm doing fantastic in comparison to how I was over Christmas.  I wrote her back and in the email I was able to say that as shocked as everyone was that I left my marriage of 28 years, that "just because it's always been, does not mean it should always be.

I was moving in a different direction than my husband.  My goals were changing.  I was changing.  I wanted different things for the next portion of my life.  In my conversation with Calvin last night, we talked about societal "norms" and expectations.  Many men and women we know,  reach this age and give in to aging.  If you don't, if you work out, keep your weight down, stay healthy, take care of yourself, dress differently, get botox, want more fun, more sex, more passion...more life...you don't fit into the  societal norm of aging gracefully.  Accepting that what you did all your life to get to this age, is what you should continue to do for the sake of others comfort and stability.   There's that damn word again...should.  If you actually pull the trigger and leave and start over, your are judged as having a mid-life crisis.  I cry bullshit.

I've said in earlier blogs that when you are as confused as I was, about what to do, you begin looking for answers in a magic eight ball.   I did.  Meg knew a man in Japan we called the "Drugstore Man" who did a Vedic astrology reading on me, based on my numbers.  The year I was born, date and time, as well as where I was born.  All of this, was never anything I would have even considered as having any validity a few years ago, but I was looking for a sign...anything. The two main points I got from the reading were these:  I would never regret my choice if I left, and that if I didn't leave, one of us would die early.  Not we would die.  Not him, not me, one of us.  First of all, I never once considered it to be a physical death.  I was already wanting to leave, I just was afraid to.  Afraid to deal with the consequences.  Of the nuclear fallout I knew would occur, once I dropped the atom bomb.  From kids, friends and extended family.  It was as horrific as I anticipated.  Maybe worse.

No, the person who was going to die was me.  The woman who was finding her voice.  Her courage.  Her strength. Her dreams.  She would die a slow and painful death.  She would go with the status quo and all that she ever dreamed about would be gone.  There wouldn't even be a memorial service.  It would be like a missing person's report.  Someone you grieve but have no closure because you're not sure of what became of her.  Until one day, you go through a trunk full of old photographs and diaries and remember her, but it's too late and you finally let go.   I don't want to be like my mother who hurts from what "could have been" because her time in life to complete those dreams is over.  The worst part being that she is still young enough to remember she wanted something more but wasn't brave enough, or willing to risk it all to find out if she could.

I struggle sitting here in a coffee shop thinking about what I almost gave into because of comfort and security.  I am fighting back tears, because I'm so grateful I didn't cave to the pressure of staying status quo. I braved a whole new world and I'm reinventing myself.  But I'm not really.  I am being myself for the first time ever.  I have an idea of where my I want my life to go.  I have a picture of what it will look like.  It's not going to be filled with endless partying or disco sex and drugs.  That isn't me.  My life is going to be filled with experiences that are rich and full.  Surrounded by interesting and smart people.  Passion and love.  I am finding love in the people all around me.

Which brings me to the final portions of this entry.  Is this selfish?  Was leaving my life in Washington incredibly selfish as I was prone to believe and being accused of?  Was wanting a bigger life than being the wife of someone who provided well, loved me in the way he knew how, taking from my children what seemed to be the epitome of "perfect family" selfish?   It would seem so, to some.  According to societal norms.  According to the expectations of what everyone else wanted to have happen.  No one, it seems, took into account what I wanted.  Needed.  It seems that once you choose that life, you should be stuck with it unless someone dies.  Huge sigh...

I have doubts about whether I ever will remarry again.  Both of my parents laugh and say I will change my mind with time.  I can't see a reason to do it again.  I don't consider my marriage to be a failure.  In fact, I feel I was pretty good at staying with it and trying to make it work.  But, I'm not sure it is completely natural.  I'm not convinced that at this age it's necessary.  I don't condemn or judge people who want it, I just can't see that kind of legal binding contract in my future ever again.  When I was younger, I wanted it.  I wanted children.  I wanted stability.  I wanted stuff.  I thought I needed it.  Society told me I did.  Now, I want my dreams.  I don't give a shit about someones earning potential.  I care about the way a person lives their life. I care about who I am becoming.  I want to wake up every day and know that it is going to be a great day just because I can get out of bed and walk my dog and get ready to embrace another day.

I've been reading a book about Coco Channel's life.  She was a woman who's life details were sketchy at best.  She was a documented and accomplished liar that knew how to reinvent herself by adapting to her environment.  She was  brilliant...wise, despite her personal brand of craziness.  I feel a kinship with her, in that she lived her life in a way she needed, in order to be true to herself, even if no one else understood.  I find it ironic, that three years ago, before I started this journey or knew anything about her, I named my car "Coco Channel"  Coco for short.
I'm done living the pretend life of someone I didn't recognize anymore.  I'm reinventing myself and I like who I am becoming.  Very much so.