I feel as if I'm on a sabbatical. I've been learning about gratitude and the art of being okay with being alone. Two totally different subjects, but in the time I've spent here alone, I've felt so grateful. Grateful for my physical health, that is beginning to return, for my mental health, my sense of humor and ability to laugh at my ridiculousness, my fortunate life, my children and of course, my amazing friendships. Excuse me while I mush a bit. This sabbatical has made me sentimental.
So many of my friends are cheerleaders. They stand beside me, they encourage, they never let me feel like a loser. I'm so grateful for these friendships. I have to give Facebook a lot of credit. In the last two years, Facebook became a gateway to reconnecting my past with the present. The re-connections I've made have blessed me in so many ways. A friend who has lived in Japan for 25 years+ has been a lifeline. Facebook gave her to me.
I recently hosted a few old high school chums at my "treehouse" getaway. We spent hours on the dock, sitting on the deck, drinking wine, dining on delicious food and getting to know each other as adults. We weren't friends in high school. We knew each other, but ran in completely different circles. These girls, were considered part of the "popular kids". I'm still not sure where I fit into all of that, but I know I wasn't considered part of the "elite" crowd. There is a line from "The Jane Austin Book Club" that says..."high school is never over..." It's true, but yet, it isn't. I still look at these women as "girls". I feel like a young girl when I am with them. They don't seem any older to me...just wiser, more seasoned with compassion. I am delighted they like me. I know this sounds strange.
I'm not sure how or why the anarchy of high school royalty is formed, but it is real. Ask any one who wasn't a part of it. We go back to our reunions (or we don't) to either prove something or to say "screw 'em...I never want to go back". However, my experience in HS wasn't terrible. It wasn't without it's traumas and dramas, but generally, it was okay. Not spectacular, and I guess that is a good thing, as I would hate to have had that be the best years of my life and want to relive them over and over. But the feelings associated with HS return with every reunion I've attended. What I've discovered as an adult is, that except for that evening of the reunion, it doesn't matter anymore. We all made our own lives and we are either happy with the outcome or we aren't. And...we accept what life has become for us.
The interesting part is we all lived a life. After 30 years, there are marriages, children, divorces, deaths, grandchildren...in some way shape or form, life made us the people we've become. Unless we are in complete denial, most of us became real. We are no longer trying to fit in or trying to impress anyone. Having just left a long term marriage and trying to look like I had the perfect life, the surprise of reacquainting myself with these women from my past, who weren't really a part of my adult life until now, it feels good to be myself with women that knew me in my youth. It feels good to be with women who knew me alone and not as part of a couple. They remember 'me'.
The three of us took a walk along the dirt road behind the treehouse the other day and talked about these feelings of reconnection. For the two of them, it's probably not such a big deal, because they were always friends from way back when. But for me, it's affirming. It's hard to describe. I grew up in this area. I've been a fixture here my entire life. Our parents knew each other, we know so many of the same people. You make a mistake here and trust me, people know it. Does our history connect us and put us under the scrutiny of judgment? Or does it connect us and give us grace? In the case of these women, it gave me grace. I have made friends with old friends. Although we can laugh about our HS days and memories, it doesn't define who we are anymore. I feel blessed to call these women my friends.
I revisit a lot of the same topics sometimes, and I know I've shared a backhanded compliment someone gave me years ago. I still love it and I still use it. The person said to me, "You're not as shallow as I thought"...I love that. I got a text yesterday from one of these women I spent the weekend with. She said, "You are so down to earth". I'm sure my parents would disagree as maybe would some other family members, but, I was so blessed by those words. I still dream big, I still want great things, I still believe in lasting love...I don't think that makes me NOT down to earth, I think it makes me hopeful. Thank you for those words...it made my whole day. (You know who you are...) :-)
I've made many acquaintances over my lifetime. I've had people come and go, and I rarely meet someone I don't like. I'm open, (probably too open) and I'm more real today, than I've ever been. I'm learning to be the most true, authentic self I've ever been. Many of the friends I've kept close to me, I've known for 20+ years. When we've lost touch and reconnected, we've been able to pick up where we left off, as if no time has passed at all. These people are like precious gems. If you are still in my life, it's because you are so very valuable to me. Facebook brought many wonderful people both into my life and back into my life. My new, old girlfriends? We grew up. We are wives, mamas, grandmas...we are women connected because of our past, bonded by life and because we are women that know how to love, nurture, feed each other and be cheerleaders...
The days of high school ARE over...and now is a better place to be, than then...
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